Fuck fuck I can’t sleep fuck. I’m so tired, and so frustrated. SO. VERY. FRUSTRATED. Things have been pretty ok for me lately, except that I can never get sleep. I feel horrible. I’ve been sick for a few weeks, and now I have a headache from being on the verge of tears. I can’t fucking sleep.

I love my boyfriend to death, and he loves me to. We make a great team. But God, it feels like it’s been months since we last fucked. I’m not even sure, I can’t quite remember. It’s terrible. It’s not anything we can help, we have absolutely NOWHERE to have sex, and it’s very taxing. It’s frustrating and it drives me insane. Oh God, here come the tears. The frustration is incredibly, ridiculously hard on me. I long to make love to him, but there’s no place we can do so.

I don’t know why I felt the need to put this on tumblr. I’ll probably annoy people. I’m sorry, I just want to vent. And I’m losing my fucking mind. And when I say “fucking”, what I really mean is “miserably celibate”. God help me. I long for sleep.

So my friend’s dad lost his battle with leukemia on Tuesday. And today was the funeral, and even though I didn’t know his dad much, I went to support my friend. Since I didn’t know his day very well, I was somber and felt bad for my friend, and I got a little misty-eyed here and there, like when they played Taps (my friend’s dad was in the army). And while all that kind of stuff was going on, you could hear a few sniffles now and then coming from the section of the church where the family of the deceased was sitting.

But then it happened. The casket was at the front of the church where the funeral was, and it was covered by an American flag. Two army guys came up and folded the flag in an orderly, military fashion, and handed it to my friend’s mom. She lost it. She wailed and sobbed loudly, the entire church heard her. It wasn’t ridiculous, childish and awkward like that sort of crying usually is. It was heartbreaking. It was the saddest sound I’ve ever heard in my entire life. Nobody else cried out aloud, but there were sniffles all over the church for the next five minutes. It was absolutely brutal. 

Me, I’m a quiet crier. Silent, in fact. I just try avoiding it whenever possible because I hate it. But good God, at the sound of the wailing widow, the tears started flowing, and they just wouldn’t stop. I felt horrible for my friend and his young brother when I first got the news about their dad, but the sound of their crying mother told the story of love and loss better than anything I had previously seen, read, or heard. It’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard, it will haunt me for the rest of my life, and I hope to God I never have to hear it again. 

I really want to start a fashion blog. I follow a lot, and it just looks so fun! I have a few problems, though. I don’t have a shit ton of clothes like the other bloggers, nor the budget to shop all the time like the other bloggers, so I’d be wearing the same key pieces over and over and over. And I don’t have a good camera. If looks really lame to just take pictures of myself with my phone, I’d need a photographer. I know photo people, I’m just not really friends with them. :/